If I were a superhero, I would want to be able to a) have a perfect memory, b) be psychic, and c) be capable of teleportation. Which just reminds me of the anne mccaffrey rowan books haha. which i loved. even if they may seem completely cheesy and corny now. "Gestalt" forever bears the shade of interplanetary teleportation.

I've had a nervous stomache (it does look more respectable doesn't it) for more than a day now. there's no rhyme or reason. but I can place one of the major parts of it in my bedamnable slow-of-wit/quick-of-shame social skills. And here I thought that one of the few advantages of outgrowing adolescence was the confidence-growth bit. instead i find myself constantly categorising myself in the plasterdogbythedoor category and hating every minutesecond of it.

There are few things worse than not being able to feel comfortable about one's limitations in life. the grass is indeed greener on the other side. actually, the grass is on a scale of greydull to luscious green and who wants to be just yellowgreen.

I wish i knew for sure. There is a certain tragedy in the reality where there is no way of knowing the alter. The silences I interpret are simultaneously overlaid with realityB. The second/triple/quadruple guessing of disgust, disappointment, restraint, impatience, annoyance, could be complete fiction or a manifestation of my superb psychic abilities. I dip my toes in, and pray that a beneficent whale with a flick of its tail will engulf and draw me in inexorably into the depths of the midnightrich waters. But the pond won't fit a whale.

I colour gray. grey. gray. dullard indefinite indecisive grey. humans are very poorly designed creatures. All i want to do is sit in certain warmth in definite technicolour. I don't mind slight scratchiness, but i need a whale.

Only in the throes of a mood does the urge to write something claw its way into the fog of inertia that binds me to unproductive uninspiring routines. Having been seized by the relentless combination of acquisitionfrenzy and bookgreed i burnt my way through hundred yuan bills and i am now a proud owner of two very tall stacks of books which are just crying out for me to somehow overcome the relentless haze of insufficient energy to devour. Although i must say that being in the midst of five open reading materials of a great variety of interests ought to at least create some sort of impetus to finish some of them.

if this were a darwinist survival of the fittest, i would be eliminated based solely on the inefficiency of my mitochondria.

So, blutack isn't the strongest adhesive in the world. Though I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that the humble blue servant is unable to cling on to its baggage as the walls tremble in the wake of the traffic on the tireless road outside.

I can't seem to shake the tired phrase of "it's been another of those days", so i might as well just let it lie. I had images of chicken stew in my head, courtesy of one of those unnameable cravings that i have been getting in waves for the past few weeks. And so on top of, crawling over the words that were supposed to be describing realism to me was my imaginary trip to the wmart, picking up the chicken, the casserole for the chicken, the dried herbs for the chicken, tramping over to the wet market for the veggies to go with the chicken; me making the stew, smelling the stew as it cooked slowly over the by-now-familiar hissing of the gas stove, even the dreaded washing up of the various used utensils. And therefore, neither work done, nor stew in my belly.

It's such simple complaints really. nothing earth shattering, nothing bonebreakingly stunning. It's me, poorly functioning mitochondria and randomly misfiring synapses. If my brain were the worker and not my body, <--- i actually hate setting up these phrases because then the follow up would have to be a killer.

I'm in the mood for mono and mogwai.
Does that explain more things than these appallingly bland words?

I think i like being twenty-one going on twenty-two. It's a different sort of feeling from when it was in the teens, the age of illogical self-gratifying angst and uncertainty, pretending to be older than i really was/am, and well, basically, different. Can't really pinpoint it i suppose. because i'm still angsty, still uncertain, trying to deal with the world, and realising that my self-image is a completely warped-in-my-mind version of what people really see, grappling with the question of how much of my existence depends on what other people think about me, because it's much easier to say i don't care what people think of me and actually not caring. i still fit in uneasily with people, always occupying a neglected corner, hoping people will come over to say hi, and then not knowing how to get beyond the hi. What is the purpose of all this preoccupation with my lack of social ability skills, i wonder. Shouldn't there be a greater aim in life i should be worried about, thinking about? It would be easier to be happy unaware of how i misfit socially, how i am entirely inadequate to social interactions. my occasional inferiority complex steps in and prevents me from happily ignorantly enjoying a hedonistic existence. sigh. i am feeling existential. except it doesn't mean anything to feel existential, because it ultimately means i'm not doing any productive (again, the definition of that word is problematic) and wasting precious time on pondering the unponderable. Everything is subjective, everything is questionable, depending on where you stand. Without a solid hard core to grip on to, how do you not get lost and turned around constantly? In between all these uselessness, all i think about is what my next meal is going to be, what i'm going to wear tomorrow. there is no greater purpose.

then said, i am happy to be in my twenties. because somehow it feels like i'm slowing moving on to something else. something slightly more exciting perhaps. i'm completely illogical today, well. i am illogical most of the time, another of my annoyances at myself. the inability to see things in crystal clear logical sequence. but anyway. twenty two, with the very satisfying double slight exhalations, seems like the age when anything can happen. at the cusp of adulthood (though i suppose that that was possibly suppposed to have happened at sixteen, eighteen, or at the very most twenty one) but twenty two has the air of respectability to it, and thus somehow, to do anything at that age, regardless of "respectability" seems most exciting. though it is debatable how "exciting" anything i do could possibly be.

we were talking about mean streaks the other day. and i've definitely got it. the indomitable urge to snap at people for no reason whatsoever, my complete inability to be unreservedly nice to someone unless i want something out of it whatever it may be, it really sucks to be so darned aware of exactly what i'm doing and why i'm doing them. i analyse everything i'm doing to death and it makes me sick to be me. sometimes. a lot of the time actually. but still. someone's got to do it i guess.

gods. i hate people who're completely oblivious to their surroundings. spare a thought for other people please instead of stomping around and just annoying the hell out of me.

I was watching Voices of a Distant Star, and it struck me how true it is that it is in the little things that we find the most comfort in, things acculturated by the environment in which we brought up. Like how i find standing in the neat aisles of a grocery store immensely calming, and how i miss the constant chatter of the crickets from my place back home. The crash and thunder of the storm outside and me comfortably under my blanket. the smell of the people i love. the sounds of people showering which i used to analyse to identify the phase they were in -- shampoo, soaping, standing in the shower. They can't be the same for everyone, but it's always in the details, and always excitement-worthy to find people who share the same ones.

bah. my tummy is malfunctioning and telling me it is hungry when i know it can't be since i've just shovelled too much food into it. and therefore i shall move on to in the mood for love after lust.caution which i quite enjoyed.

The psychology of smells is incredibly fascinating. Apparently, even smells that aren't detectible can influence the way you view things. Which reminds me of what Chris told me once about how he only likes people if he likes their smell, or something to that effect. And to a point that has worked for me, but thinking about how many people i think of with associating "fragrance auras" so to speak, I've realised that a lot of my good friends are neutral. Those with the distinguishable and memorable scents i definitely remember, but other than that, not everyone seems to have a personal scent that i detect and remember. For that matter, I seem to be the absorbent sponge of smells, and i inevitably end up smelling like whatever whoever was rustling up for lunch or dinner just before I left, or the person i was last together with. Which is alternately incredibly annoying and plain nice. I remember smelling zsing on my arms after I've reached home, and well. i love that scent (not the post exercise smell of perspiration), but the random smells of either his perfume which i love, or lingering chlorine, which i have learnt to associate with him. It's like how smelling fresh laundry somehow elevates my mood as well. Speaking of which, I managed to smash my lip against the wardrobe door trying to inhale the fragrance of my newly laundered turtleneck by recklessly half-spinning around in the small confines trying to make sure that the hanging clothes still smelled of detergent and not fried fish, which also tends to happen. Like when I was on the tube just now and wondering if the guy next to me was silently protesting the faintly fishy oily smell that my jacket which I had assumed to impervious to smells (a logical assumption, given that the material repels water and blocks the wind and should therefore reject all smell molecules) was emanating because he kept putting his hand near his nose, which is what I do when I do my silent protests. Which all made me slightly embarrassed and upset at fried stuff. bah.

Ok. the only real reason i was fascinated enough by this to want to blog this given that i generally have stayed off my blog is that I am in the midst of an essay ( i wanted to use 'throes', but i figure it isn't quite appropriate given my general reluctance and inability to immerse myself in it) which i seem to be no longer able to continue on account of a general lethargy and the fact that it's 2 in the morning and I'm somewhat crashed out from capoeira. on which topic I suppose i could occupy one of my freer nights writing about since it would probably elucidate the many complexities that now exist in my mind. I think i shall go sleep and write this essay tomorrow morning before janet's class. Sleep is probably good.

It is tough being unwillingly contrary. When a little guy seizes up inside you and makes all those chemicals in your blood system go a little haywire because you decide to start work just at the point when everyone else is beginning to relax. And their happiness jars on your efforts to concentrate and be productive because they are not. And then I'm stuck in my room without water because i don't want to pluck off my headphones and venture into happyland. sigh.

In happier news, I am a proud owner of a brightly multi-coloured drapey-ly cute beanie hat thingy which I have been assured by Crystal does not sound at all exciting.

So i know i haven't been posting on this in donkey years, but i had to exclaim somewhere about how the capoeira people are superhuman and play capoeira all the time, find it possible somehow to also go to work for 50 hours a week, and have a social life. There just is no point moaning about my 9 oclocks, and how i haven't slept enough and i'm at capoeira for the xth time this week! ugh.

my finger is falling off from playing the berimbau, my head is thudding a bit because of impending gloom and doom from flu, and it's all in a day's work for them. bah. i need a rechargeable long-life battery pack built into me. along with a gps system, so i don't have any more embarrassing interludes of semi-lostness. though i must say my skin has thickened substantially and continues to from constant exposure to awkward social situations.

tadah.

i want to play Dance Dance Immolation! because i like to be bathed in fire when i lose haha :) cleaning up the house now. or at least i'm supposed to but i'm looking at flamethrowers. and there's too much food in the fridge that i need to finish :( i love food but this is.. slightly overwhelming. people should learn to finish their food before running away!!

haha. new guilty pleasure: bingeing on strange japanese tv serials.
sigh. i miss playing the piano. who would have guessed haha. but i wish i were better at it and then it would actually be doubly fun playing it. though i guess it's an evil cycle where i don't practice because i'm not good but i'll never be any decent at it because i don't practise.

exams..... are crap. ah well.

ah i hate the feeling when my heart kind of seizes up and my chest starts to feel like it's collapsing in on itself. from annoyance. haha. damn ass.

it's a crisis of faith. i've realised that other people have not lost sight of doing something with their lives and i am completely ashamed of what i have been doing with mine. i've been so caught up in the useless obsession about the minutiae of my life that i've just been stuck in a tiny closed-in world of my own construct. what am i in school for if i do not excel nor take joy in what i do? sure it's tolerable but it's not what i thought my amazing wondrous life at university would be. what happened to the education? this is not fucking education. this is cramming for the sake of grades. which don't mean anything except that you're good at sitting down for hours on end reading stuff and then writing it all out again. i hate my life. i hate what i'm doing now or rather what i am not doing which is making something worthwhile out of it and (at the risk of sounding like a self-help book) taking charge of my life instead of just floating along with wherever circumstances bring me. seriously. and then now all i can do, or all i will do, is go back to reading. so that i can write it all out again. how useless.

i wish i could dance better then i could express what i'm feeling right now so much more eloquently. and all i'm doing is just listening to mumuki while reading about bureaucracies of all things.

and... finally getting the cupcakes i've been thinking about for a couple of weeks.

it's 4am. and i'm not sleepy. and it's not like i'm studying. so wtf am i doing?? ugh. i just spent about 2 hours looking for passport sized photos. and so now my floor is clear once again. and my books and note stacked on one side of the table rather than sprawled all over. and meanwhile i also only just found out that iphoto allows me to adjust the saturation and exposure levels on my photos. so haha. i am happy and shall post pretty photos. i discovered that i love underexposed shots.


this being fes and the old medina which is windy and filled with people and animals and life basically. ruined walls and baths alongside houses and schools and little schoolchildren. i love how the buildings are all weathered and slightly dingy. well. i really quite liked fes. which, in contrast with marrakesh, reminded me of how i felt about naples and rome.

on a side note. i realise i quite like writing these things down. just randomly putting things down as they pop into my head. which in turn reminds me that i really like writing in journals but somehow i need to be able to imagine an audience or it doesn't quite work out. haha. said imagined audience do not even have to be real (since they're imagined) because i don't believe people actually do read through these long-drawn out things which i ramble on about since i don't :p

i love the night and how quiet it is. (except that in a city like london there're always random vehicles zooming past at odd hours) i've even gotten used to how i no longer hear the crickets calling. i should really get down to work though :) pushing on with microecon which has fair murdered me with welfare economics. which i really do not like.

the best part about my room is my wall. or so i like to believe. (i especially like the one of kate moss.)

and of the random things i laugh to myself about when i'm studying. because you know. i have to appreciate my own humour. otherwise no one will.




aie. well. thinking about whether i should bother getting my passport extended here or just you know, waiting till i go home and doing it. either way will be annoyingly annoying. bah.

i love the impossibly rich colours that photoshopped pictures all have. the vividness that doesn't translate properly onto film but photoshops in easily. i wonder what they had to do before photoshop?

i wonder how they chose the number 21 to be an arbitrary sign of maturity. hm.

i am going slightly crazy. i was looking at the wiki featured article of the day at 12.22am and it was the same as the previous day's! and then i caught myself checking if my clock was right because how could wiki not have had a new article of the day already? hm.

whee~

my horoscope for day makes me feel like taking weed. but also warns me that if i take weed i will get mugged and robbed.

A mysterious mist creeps over your mind, yet if you are willing to loosen your grip on reality, this can be an enchanting journey. If, however, you try to hold on to what you have in the material world, this can be a disorienting time. There is nothing dangerous about entertaining fantasy, as long as you come back to ground level when you are called.

i am glad for friends who don't giggle incessantly :) i love you guys.

quickquickquick i have to write these down before i forget them just because today is a rare happy day. or at least it turned into a rare happy day :) after going for macro and falling asleep and blahblahblah.
so. for one. today's capoeira session kicked ass and it made me happy happy happy. hm. wait the happy things are quickly fading.
1. talked to random man at busstop who was telling me of his days studying statistics in lse. random friendliness making me chirpier.
2. saw couple making out inside the train station. all over each other, very nearly pornographic but the pure sexual energy and the fact that they were totally going for it made me grin.
3. as the bus went past st paul's there was all that manmade rain and filming crew. but i couldn't see if there was any one i ought to see running in the rain or sthg.
4. and then as i was walking home my shuffle shuffled to i like to move it. and i was so insanely amused i think if anyone had seen me they would have thought i was crazy.

so basically today is a good day :) and i should shower and get to work! harness good energy and banish bad chi :)

it's really painful and embarrassing to relive snatches of most-cringeworthy moments that has ever happened to you. and it's not like telling it stop actually makes it stop because it's like some sadistic torture machine that makes every detail even more vivid the more you want it to stop. so here i am trying to study micro and for some reason, tortured by these -moments-. ughh. even travis isn't soothing my frazzled nerves. why??

things are in such a strange place right now. when things go in a cycle, sort of like a sine graph with the regular peaks and troughs, despite perfect information of all that has gone before, with the regular cycling of the pattern, how does one know that the trough will eventually climb into a peak and things will all be good again? what if the line has levelled out and you're going to stay in the trough forever more except that it isn't really a trough but more of a neverending abyss more like.

in any case. was reading about marine snow today. and despite the most enchanting images the phrase "marine snow" conjures up the reality is so much more blase (not disappointing simply because marine snow is actually a fair miracle of nature) --- dead bits and flotsam and sand and soot falling through the water rather than pretty delicate snowflakes. and congealed in some sort of mucus no less. haha. visions of sugar plums dissipate fairly alarmingly.

my single friends are dropping like flies! which i guess is good. except it induces jealousy :P which is none too flattering and endearing. but awwwww. everyone so sweet.

now that i finally own a hammock i can string it up between the two coconut trees that have sprouted overnight in my tiny room and study in it and swing around and be happy. there should be increasing marginal returns to studying from that i guess. all that happy pinkness and stuff should be very exciting :)

another quiet night at home. except it isn't really quiet because i like the way music reverberates in a quiet room. and i don't actually know if the housemates are home or not. but i shall assume they aren't until they present themselves and prove me wrong :)

things just seem so different now. i don't know if i'm happy with the way i turned out but it's times like this that i wonder again. so ok fine we live happily (hypothetically) and we do everything the way we want to and all that. but then what? then even if we went back and erased our existences does it really make a difference anyhow? to any one or to anything. gaaaah. things are not coming out right. ah well. need to find something to study about.

i've got a splitting headache and i feel like i'm going to puke but i can't stop reading this! haha. geekologie.com. which has the most random amazing things ever like a maserati entirely covered in glassshards for the moscow biennale. or scrabble sofas where the seats are the racks and the cushions are the letters. waaaay coolass! i wish some of them concepts were for retail haha. i would buy them in a heartbeat.

wow. so i used to be a lot more garrulous on blogger i think. and i had a lot more stuff to say. does that mean that i've grown up (to be blander and more blah and boring than ever before?) ah well. i love my desktop.

how completely surreal... i've never had my ceiling leak on me before -- the water coming from random spots and dripdropping all over every and anything. and so completely helpless too. at least it wasn't too bad. and it didn't shortcircuit our house either. so all's well :) sigh. everything else seems so much more interesting during study time. i was even secretly happy when the ceiling leaked cos i meant i could preoccupy myself mopping up the gross wetnesss on the floor. haha.

now that it's warmish it's really really nice to just go out and walk around and soak in foreign air :) and maybe buy a cupcake or two. depending on if i get my bum out of my house into the fray (all these tourists. tut tut.). so gold bars are really made of solid gold. like up to 99.9% pure gold. and here i was thinking gold is really soft right so isn't it malleable and wouldn't hold as a inscribed bar very well? but well. apparently not. and seriously i'm getting inured to the wonders of the human body from all the naked bodies i see on tv. which of course are great bodies just that there are just too many of them for it to arouse any sort of emotion at all :p except of course the french (? crystal knows her name) woman with watermelon breasts. that was a sight to behold.

because this is where i much rather be right now. camel-riding bedamned.

This studying thing is seriously getting on my nerves. i don't feel right doing anything. studying and i feel like doing anything else really. and then i do anything else and i get overcome by an overwhelming sense of guilt. add to that the fact that about the only thing that gives me a legit excuse not to study is to eat and you have a killer combination. don't mind the bad pun. i want to go home and eat food that hasn't been randomly thrown together by my practically out-of-commission sense of cookery.

Two rainbows side by side. The other so faint it is barely discernible but you know it's there and it's all that really matters. It wasn't me who saw it but it feels as if i was almost there. After the crazy storm which caused 7 blackouts and which i really cannot imagine. I like days like that :) Even through a champagne induced miasma. But the days ahead, well.

They are just the result of a chemical imbalance and are entirely not my fault except for the bit where I let them be freely expressed and then only because we know that repression isn't good for the soul and being the person that I am of course I don't want to injure my already battered soul in any other way. I'm so sorry for always hitting the self-destruct button like that and causing all that collateral damage that I swear I don't mean. I can't help it. Except that that's the lamest excuse ever.

A red moon without any forewarning would probably have seemed like blood and darkness was washing across the sky, ever so slowly. It's so difficult to need to rev up and do work when all i want to do is lie in bed and sulk. And the thing is talking to people doesn't even really help because all i do is snap at them, and besides, I have yet to learn that annoyance during mood swings does not equal actual dislike.

Well. I don't mean harm, but the things i can't be bothered to do seem to bother people. it's just me and me not giving a hoot about what i ought or ought not do which could be good, or bad. As of now, bad.

I want to be a bright and happy person who doesn't care about how annoying some people are and how i'm getting white hairs from stressing about the most inane things possible. But that wouldn't be me cos that would probably be a normal person! how fun.

Can't wait for the end of school! wheeeee :)
just need to jump over this hurdle of a crappy essay that i don't want to fail.

It's the second last week till school ends, and i've finally got internet up at my place!

The socially inept are out on the streets again trying to make themselves believe that they are loved and liked, that they're not just forgettable bits and pieces of everyone else's lives. But, what is never tested never fails, so they might as well stay at home and play pretend, which is much more comforting and secure.

You'd think that twenty years would be enough for the brain to learn how to properly regulate hormonal levels and preempt all these crappy ditches of hormonally-induced depression. Because these episodes aren't even attention worthy and are just excuses to whine and generally feel shitty. Which sucks.

Anyhow. Twenty years with nothing worthwhile achieved can make one generally feel useless i suppose. Nothing to fret about.

My unjust soul is railing out at my bursting brain. which is imploding with all the information that i've attempted to stuff in and it just keeps slipping out. Apparently, the brain never forgets, so what's happening is that i'm saving all this information in repeat files, happily categorised and decorated, and then misplacing it. Come tomorrow, when faced with the worst that J.Coleman and Flikschuh are capable of, I would be regurgitating... nothing. I need some way of dealing with this. Crisis!

Colourless is such a horrible word :(

I know that no one ever said it was easy, and now is probably not a good time to (continue to) be superficial and care about how i'm gaining weight sitting in my chair and reading and stuff, but this whole business of trying to get my stomach back to its original size is damn difficult! It takes so much discipline to not notice the lone godiva truffle begging to be eaten, the half-a-bar of butterscotch chocolate, and the rest of the food which is less indulgent but food nonetheless. so i tell myself. if i can get past tonight, it'll be all cool again :) but meanwhile. the saliva keeps welling up! damn it.

There's never time like the present (i.e. when i should be doing other things) to hang out after classes and go and catch a cup of (really REALLY yummy) hot chocolate or dinner. mmmmmm. Russian orals on tuesday are definitely not beckoning. I have at least 5 pages of russian stuff to memorise and half the words are really tough on my tongue :/ bah.

Only in Japan can someone throw out 5 million yen in the trash and get it back again a month later! How amazing :)

if there's a single pose i hate the most it's the one where the models stand with their arms akimbo and back hunched, looking like they're about to barf all over the cameraman. Strong pose indeed.

As usual, it's because i have to study that i find time to do things like update my blog. i was just thinking about the time difference between singapore and london (it's 7 hours now because of summer time) and i realise that i always take 10pm as a cut off point. 10 pm is when news starts (sorry i watch a lot of chinese tv serials :P) and then 10 pm is also when the ch 5 shows get properly started. so somehow i feel very unfulfilled when there's nothing to watch on ch 5, because then i have nothing to do except watch the chinese news, where i can't understand the names of the politicians or the football teams and players. and now even without the tv i guess the 10 pm thing has stuck, where before 10 is really early. and after 10 is late enough for me to go to sleep slightly less guiltily.

it rocked it rocked it rocked :D:D:D
i'm still insanely happy despite it being 2 am in the morning and like 4 hours after the end of the play. What an incredible high :)

It's tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow :)

Sometimes it hits me like a brick wall that I'm not doing what I am most happy doing. It's when I talk to people who are that I really feel like digging a hole, jumping in, and pulling all the soil back in after me. I want to dance! and the thing is I'm not even very good at it so I can't do it properly full time but gods i really want to dance :( How stupid is this! ughhh.

It's just such a strange yet happy experience :) I pray that I won't freeze, curl up and die though. Which I have a mortal fear of. ugh. Anyway. If anyone's looking for an excuse to come to London, choose March 17th, 18th! heeee. Ask me for more details though. because i don't want to be found out by random Googlers. heh.

It's so amusing.
I keep hearing exclamations like "What???" and "Oh my god! How can..." and "Ewwwww" coming from the room next to mine :p It's her on her Alias marathon haha.

Go! Fight! Win! My ass.

there's just always this lurking feeling that i would prefer just sitting on a bench somewhere, even in the blustery cold, staring into nothing and just breathing. I'm starting to feel like i'm a strange person who just doesn't quite fit in. just a bit too rough around the edges, and a bit too odd.

haha cool stuff. we're in cambridge and they're all knocked out and it's only 4.30 in the morning! where's the stamina guys :p though i suppose the gross drinks really knocked them out. hmmm.

oh no. i fear for myself. what if i come out of this stupid and ignorant about the ways of the world?

even lifetime warranties do not cover wilful destruction.

it's nice to be nonchalant about stuff. you don't really care about things, and then nothing anyone does would really hurt you. right? but if you don't care about things, then nothing anyone does can really make you insanely crazily happy either. and then how?

sighh. i'm such a bitch. why should i ever complain about anything when most of the stuff is of my doing anyway? what you get yourself into, you're officially not allowed to bitch about. You're not allowed to blame it on the hormones. Then again, feelings are only mixtures of chemicals acting on your brain. so maybe i just have screwed up hormones. damn i need a pool.

we're too good for this!
but well. that's only what we think. and not what other people think. but then again, according to Rousseau, the whole point about society being screwed up is that we live only for what other people think :) therefore, HECK.

5 letter word. one of the earliest things you learn at school or not even. like hell anyone is really feeling it now. or maybe it's just me. but i know i can't be the only one. it's too lonely. ha.
which reminds of the other line: i want you... barefoot on the burning sand.

i don't know what i'm doing. see. it's very easy to confess that. much easier than actually attributing my behaviour to a specific reason. because i don't know.

and the eyes glaze over. the muscles strangely weak. and the chest constricts. again and again. (yeah lah. breathing also like that.)

How does it get that we get so preoccupied with what being Happy and Content means? And how is it that the more I turn these words over in my head the less Happy and Content we seem to be? It's strange how I need to know that i live with a purpose and that i'm going in the right direction to feel at least slight mollified that i'm not wasting -all- my time doing nothing.

The other day i was talking to xun and her summary of my dilemma was 'You just don't feel popular anymore isn't it'. haha. Perhaps. Not that i ever was popular in the first place. Ok. so it sounds very superficial. but i guess we just want to feel loved :) and sometimes it's difficult because people don't really seem to want to listen anyway and they probably wouldn't notice if i fell into an abyss and was un-recoverable. ?? ?????? ??????

why is jealousy green? perhaps people who have a predilection for green are more jealous than others, and are more likely to have to do war upon that monster, envy.

it's really funny how you can always tell who has been to whose blog by the quizzes that appear :)
Guess mine :P


Esmeralda


Which Disney Heroine Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

ah well. Esmeralda! speaking of whom, there was a very strange woman called esmeralda in pulp fiction. and she was scary. hmmmm.

It's strange how random things that my mother said to me when I was a kid have stuck with me till now. The one that pops out off the top of my head is: There was this girl who was wearing specs and these dangly earrings and looked so much like a Christmas tree!
Which is why i carefully remove any dangly earrings when i'm in my specs :)

La fille aux cheveux lin is such a pretty name for a gorgeous piece. I (embarrassingly) discovered it in a japanese television serial where takuya kimura was a troubled virtuoso pianist. haha. but the japanese always have perfect taste for the loveliest classical pieces! (unlike some others i could mention haha) I need more Debussy! (haha. i keep thinking it's Liszt for some reason)

i wonder how anyone knows when it's time to stop. When it's time to pull the plug and pretend like nothing's ever happened. When does practicality override emotion? How does one decide that the future pain is greater than the immediate hurt and disappoinment of just giving up? How will I ever know.

Bah. Bullshit.

Hmmmm. It is a very surreal thing, sitting on my gym ball and playing with my roll of fat just above where my track pants end. It's really fun. but very disturbing.

It probably shows that I still have an ounce of awareness of how sociable people interact, that i don't straight out scream fuck you because you're such an insincere idiot.

how does one progress to using 'cheers' and not feel phoney? haha. i am so dead. rehearsals friday. -need to memorise script-
bye lovelies :)

gaaah. Things always seem to be coloured brighter when they happen to you, and blah-ed out when it's to other people (with a few notable exceptions) I am starting to feel like a real loner :/ or perhaps it's the hormones talking. like i said: gaaah.

settling back into the blahness of school. and the guilt of not enjoying a place like London! Sigh. I should get my butt off the chair more often :) and visit the Lake district :)

ugh. am still crazily jet lagged. what is this! I slept at like 8 yesterday again. and awake at 7.45 this morning despite my attempts to sleep thru to a later time. grrrr. i shall have to stay up late today to try and somehow get my body clock back. I was running around yesterday with my friend and i realised that the 'friends' she bumped into (and there were quite a few of them) were really rude. Not unfriendly but not focused. and it just irritated me so much. well. i rather deal with no friends :p

Now I'm back. And I miss everyone :( Which i guess is everyone's gripe about studying overseas. ah well. And it's cold and i just don't feel toasty even with the heater on. boohoo. and Kahli just left! sighhhhhh. and i still haven't finished the ton of homework i started out with :(

I never realised what a cool place (and how foreign) parts of Singapore are! Me and yl were at Arab Street (and we spent a bomb on beads and stuff haha) and then me and zsing walked down Serangoon Road (in search of French Canteen which, to our dismay, was closed on account of it being New Year's Day). So I've resolved to be far more adventurous in checking out parts of London. But i need to find people to do that with first though. heh. Which sort of leads to my other resolution to be more sociable. which i normally am but it's beccome too tiring. bleargh. but. I guess i should make a semblance of -some- effort :)

Please meet up with me (if you want to) before Saturday! I'm leaving in the morning so it's not like i can meet people before i leave. and i'll be travelling alone :( so i'm figuring i'll be doubly lonely as I leave. I'm not very good at the 'be by myself' thing. but i'll survive and live to see you all again in June/July.

ahhh. life now is damn boring. and i realise that coming back , it's as if i've never left before. now the six/seven months looming ahead is daunting me :/

if only there wasn't ns. sigh.

mmmmmm. So close.

hairline cracks appear. do they deepen or if i slap some plaster onto it, does it go away? :(

YAY I LOVE MY RUSSIAN TEACHERS!!! :)
I'm so happy now i can't sleep. basically I got Mrs Chambers' comments about me :)
and i am delighted :)
wheee!!

So kahli and crystal were here! :) and we went for franz ferdinand which quite rocked :) (but i still secretly preferred the white stripes one:p because... i nearly died for it and it was worth it!:) anyway. so they crowded into my room and we had such great fun eating junk and going nuts :)

and before that fuzzy was here! and harrod's gave us each a free doughnut to celebrate the occasion :p


There of course, is just that one essay and presentation that are screwing up my plans for the last week of holidays. hmmmmm.

Nights of immense boredom.

Well. It's really strange to basically feel nothing much but a vague sense of jenesaisquoi. It probably does not help that there's nothing interesting going on, or at least nothing that i would classify as interesting. Then again, it takes quite a bit to get me going when i'm in such a mood. The crappy thing is that the feeling that i-couldn't-care-less returns with increasing urgency and frequency, basically rendering me one of the worst people to hang out with ever. ugh. whatever.

i would say leave me alone, but leaving me alone invariably contributes to the illusion i have that I am the most screwed up antisocial bitch ever and I remember thinking, in my moments of sanity, that that isn't all that true. It takes a lot of convincing for me though. sigh. It's days and nights like this when I have dreams of getting really drunk, but of course, that isn't quite possible.

how depressing. the thing is, i see people around me enjoying themselves, and so it comes down to this: what's wrong with me. sigh. there are people who thrive in all sorts of conditions, and haha.

It's like a wave of cleanliness swept across my room, aided in no small part by the Military of Sg. :) my room is clean! but it's really dusty. having a construction site near my place sucks :/

Haha. So cool :) I survived my first concert proper. Without dying. But escaped with my life only barely and then again nearly without my jacket and my shawl. I now understand how people can get stampeded to death. I could easily have suffocated in the smokey barely there air! ewww. Made me miss 'my doorbell'. Damn. I didn't even catch what the first few sets were cos i was busy trying not to get killed.

But after i managed (somehow) to get out of the squish, we went round to the back where we couldn't see much but at least we could hear them :) Jack white's guitars are -so- cool. and oooher! it really rocked. sucks that it was so short tho.

White Stripes tonight! :)

It's sort of embarrassing that after a month of school, my first essay ever will only be due on Friday. I should probably (try to) make it a pretty decent one. Then again, I haven't written an essay in nearly a year. It's going to be tough :/

It freaked me out to find out that after all, I'm a pretty average kind of girl? After all my illusions of grandeur :p Sigh. And it struck me around the middle of aristotle too. How incongruent. It's just that being transplanted out of my backyard (not that i have one at home but it's just an expression of sorts) and being placed in a strange place has made me realise that I don't particularly love any -thing- crazily (except for people :) and I probably am the -worst- person ever to make small talk with (it just doesn't work). I don't know why I'm suddenly obsessed about it. But in any case. I'm insanely jealous of people who actually manage to make really good friends in university. Because it'll probably never happen here! Damn. Haha. But then again, I have puee and shafa :) who rock. So that's good :)
(always count your blessings.)

It would probably be better though if I were a more selfsufficient kind of girl. And I'm not quite :/ Not nearly as cool as Des anyhow :P

Gizmo project is SUCH A sucker for money!! they charge for connection to calls. (even tho they say they don't) ugh. and when i use skype, they don't charge me when i get the message "the customer you've called cannot be reached". and gizmo project happily guzzles my money. Yeah. Whatever.

Halloween Boat Party!
It was freaking cold. brrrr. and the music sort of degenerated into retro and techno. sigh. but other than that. quite fun! of course. i'm paying for gin and tonics with rashes. sigh.


The View


The Greenwich Thingy :) I don't remember what it's called... and it was so anticlimactic. apparently when you're on one side you're in one timezone and when you're on the other, another timezone.. but haha whatever. if people can arbitrarily decide to impose daylight savings, whether i'm in one timezone or another doesn't really matter!


Puee and me trying to look as drunk as possible. and probably succeeding, based on this photo alone. haha. assorted other drunk looking photos of me and puee around. however, must clarify here. 2 gin and tonics do not a drunk girl make.

It's so depressing. Because of daylight savings, we 'gained' one hour and now we're back on GMT I think. So it's once again 8 hours difference to Singapore. That's not the depressing part though. It's due to the fact that the sun set at 16 42h today. It was 5 in the evening and it looked like 7. :( Byebye Sun.

Victory!
I carted home a full length mirror from portobello!

i haven't done laundry in 3 weeks. and the day i choose to do my laundry, the washing machines go on strike and refuse to count down the minutes. and there's no water or anything. fing hell. grr. :(

AHHH!

according to crys i now have 12 johnny depps sitting one on top of another in my room...
(i love pueee! and well. thanks to adrian too :P i would have said 'i love adrian too!' but that sounds so wrong... heh.)

Looking thru Varian. Must they call it 'kinky tastes'?

my mind works in the strangest ways! I am probably one of -the- most susceptible people to mind influence or whatever the hell they're called. Once a possibility has been suggested, it runs about in my consciousness no end. till another suggestion comes around and knocks the previous one into oblivion! i would be a v good receptacle for subliminal (or not) messages. eeks.

hey haven't been posting! too lazy. plus i'm ill to boot and the weather here is such crap!

anyway. was in paris over the weekend.. but heh. sounds better than it was. too much to gripe about so i shan't :) parts of it was good! and i'll take it as an 'experience' as a**** would call it. :P here are the photos :)

email me darlings... i've been slow in replying but i love hearing from all of you! please email me.. don't desert me :( defenestrated@gmail.com

is there a limit to self pitying? or does it feed upon itself, growing larger and more sinister with every bite and swallow? it's possible, theoretically, to break the cycle and become happy again. but every time things look up, something happens that brings the illusions crashing down again. emotional wastelands loom :(

canterbury is quite a boring place. but fun to take 'weareveryhappy' photos in.. heh.
and the oyster gratin was so yummy!

I AM SO HUNGRY.
but i'm too lazy to step out of my room.
sigh.
hungry.
hungry.
and i can't find my snicker bar which i thought i bought.

I know rugby is a very fun sport. but when you're getting plowed into (even by the skinniest of people) it is a scary feeling! and of course it didn't help that i couldn't quite get the technique and the skinny girl i tried to bring down just dragged me along. sigh. and plus it was raining buckets. so sometimes i couldn't even see.. haha.

walking home alone after dark is so scary. Thank goodness the streets are well lit. even then, i inevitably imagine insanely free muggers waiting to pounce on me.

ah well. the view at blackfriars bridge is always the most gorgeous.
this is on the way out:

and on the way home.

mmhmmmm :D
indian takeout.
YUM.

update at 2309h:
we are -so- going to get really fat here.
1. indian takeout


2. really huge bowl of orange juice.

one after another. (while a really hot drunk party is going on in the room next to us!)

i finally bought narnia. there was a discount on account of it being national children's reading week or sthg. and therefore it cost me 6 pounds. yay :)

Здравствуйте!
damn russian is difficult! especially since it's so misleading where H is 'n' and P is 'r' sound. haha confused. but quite fun. considering i totally missed like 75% of the lesson and still am not too far behind. wow
До свидания!
(the only reason i know this one: 'Da sveedaneeya' is from watching Anastasia :)

i should probably change the title of my blog soon. there are no 'bright sunshiny days' in london! There are at most moments of bright sunshine. and then the rest is just gloom.

les misérables was quite enjoyable. i must probably read the book now that I've seen the musical (even if it's just to find out the name of the pretty girl who died.) Thing is. I don't understand the whole 'applaud after a great song even if someone's just died'. It just means that the audience isn't totally into the story and is instead appreciating the technical merits of the musical. It was just so strange. i mean there was hilarious bits where it's normal to applaud, but the sad bits don't exactly lend themselves to applause.

ok i've obsessed about that enough. ciao.