Go! Fight! Win! My ass.

there's just always this lurking feeling that i would prefer just sitting on a bench somewhere, even in the blustery cold, staring into nothing and just breathing. I'm starting to feel like i'm a strange person who just doesn't quite fit in. just a bit too rough around the edges, and a bit too odd.

haha cool stuff. we're in cambridge and they're all knocked out and it's only 4.30 in the morning! where's the stamina guys :p though i suppose the gross drinks really knocked them out. hmmm.

oh no. i fear for myself. what if i come out of this stupid and ignorant about the ways of the world?

even lifetime warranties do not cover wilful destruction.

it's nice to be nonchalant about stuff. you don't really care about things, and then nothing anyone does would really hurt you. right? but if you don't care about things, then nothing anyone does can really make you insanely crazily happy either. and then how?

sighh. i'm such a bitch. why should i ever complain about anything when most of the stuff is of my doing anyway? what you get yourself into, you're officially not allowed to bitch about. You're not allowed to blame it on the hormones. Then again, feelings are only mixtures of chemicals acting on your brain. so maybe i just have screwed up hormones. damn i need a pool.

we're too good for this!
but well. that's only what we think. and not what other people think. but then again, according to Rousseau, the whole point about society being screwed up is that we live only for what other people think :) therefore, HECK.

5 letter word. one of the earliest things you learn at school or not even. like hell anyone is really feeling it now. or maybe it's just me. but i know i can't be the only one. it's too lonely. ha.
which reminds of the other line: i want you... barefoot on the burning sand.

i don't know what i'm doing. see. it's very easy to confess that. much easier than actually attributing my behaviour to a specific reason. because i don't know.

and the eyes glaze over. the muscles strangely weak. and the chest constricts. again and again. (yeah lah. breathing also like that.)

How does it get that we get so preoccupied with what being Happy and Content means? And how is it that the more I turn these words over in my head the less Happy and Content we seem to be? It's strange how I need to know that i live with a purpose and that i'm going in the right direction to feel at least slight mollified that i'm not wasting -all- my time doing nothing.

The other day i was talking to xun and her summary of my dilemma was 'You just don't feel popular anymore isn't it'. haha. Perhaps. Not that i ever was popular in the first place. Ok. so it sounds very superficial. but i guess we just want to feel loved :) and sometimes it's difficult because people don't really seem to want to listen anyway and they probably wouldn't notice if i fell into an abyss and was un-recoverable. ?? ?????? ??????

why is jealousy green? perhaps people who have a predilection for green are more jealous than others, and are more likely to have to do war upon that monster, envy.

it's really funny how you can always tell who has been to whose blog by the quizzes that appear :)
Guess mine :P


Esmeralda


Which Disney Heroine Are You?
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ah well. Esmeralda! speaking of whom, there was a very strange woman called esmeralda in pulp fiction. and she was scary. hmmmm.

It's strange how random things that my mother said to me when I was a kid have stuck with me till now. The one that pops out off the top of my head is: There was this girl who was wearing specs and these dangly earrings and looked so much like a Christmas tree!
Which is why i carefully remove any dangly earrings when i'm in my specs :)

La fille aux cheveux lin is such a pretty name for a gorgeous piece. I (embarrassingly) discovered it in a japanese television serial where takuya kimura was a troubled virtuoso pianist. haha. but the japanese always have perfect taste for the loveliest classical pieces! (unlike some others i could mention haha) I need more Debussy! (haha. i keep thinking it's Liszt for some reason)

i wonder how anyone knows when it's time to stop. When it's time to pull the plug and pretend like nothing's ever happened. When does practicality override emotion? How does one decide that the future pain is greater than the immediate hurt and disappoinment of just giving up? How will I ever know.

Bah. Bullshit.

Hmmmm. It is a very surreal thing, sitting on my gym ball and playing with my roll of fat just above where my track pants end. It's really fun. but very disturbing.

It probably shows that I still have an ounce of awareness of how sociable people interact, that i don't straight out scream fuck you because you're such an insincere idiot.

how does one progress to using 'cheers' and not feel phoney? haha. i am so dead. rehearsals friday. -need to memorise script-
bye lovelies :)

gaaah. Things always seem to be coloured brighter when they happen to you, and blah-ed out when it's to other people (with a few notable exceptions) I am starting to feel like a real loner :/ or perhaps it's the hormones talking. like i said: gaaah.

settling back into the blahness of school. and the guilt of not enjoying a place like London! Sigh. I should get my butt off the chair more often :) and visit the Lake district :)

ugh. am still crazily jet lagged. what is this! I slept at like 8 yesterday again. and awake at 7.45 this morning despite my attempts to sleep thru to a later time. grrrr. i shall have to stay up late today to try and somehow get my body clock back. I was running around yesterday with my friend and i realised that the 'friends' she bumped into (and there were quite a few of them) were really rude. Not unfriendly but not focused. and it just irritated me so much. well. i rather deal with no friends :p