I know that no one ever said it was easy, and now is probably not a good time to (continue to) be superficial and care about how i'm gaining weight sitting in my chair and reading and stuff, but this whole business of trying to get my stomach back to its original size is damn difficult! It takes so much discipline to not notice the lone godiva truffle begging to be eaten, the half-a-bar of butterscotch chocolate, and the rest of the food which is less indulgent but food nonetheless. so i tell myself. if i can get past tonight, it'll be all cool again :) but meanwhile. the saliva keeps welling up! damn it.

There's never time like the present (i.e. when i should be doing other things) to hang out after classes and go and catch a cup of (really REALLY yummy) hot chocolate or dinner. mmmmmm. Russian orals on tuesday are definitely not beckoning. I have at least 5 pages of russian stuff to memorise and half the words are really tough on my tongue :/ bah.

Only in Japan can someone throw out 5 million yen in the trash and get it back again a month later! How amazing :)

if there's a single pose i hate the most it's the one where the models stand with their arms akimbo and back hunched, looking like they're about to barf all over the cameraman. Strong pose indeed.

As usual, it's because i have to study that i find time to do things like update my blog. i was just thinking about the time difference between singapore and london (it's 7 hours now because of summer time) and i realise that i always take 10pm as a cut off point. 10 pm is when news starts (sorry i watch a lot of chinese tv serials :P) and then 10 pm is also when the ch 5 shows get properly started. so somehow i feel very unfulfilled when there's nothing to watch on ch 5, because then i have nothing to do except watch the chinese news, where i can't understand the names of the politicians or the football teams and players. and now even without the tv i guess the 10 pm thing has stuck, where before 10 is really early. and after 10 is late enough for me to go to sleep slightly less guiltily.

it rocked it rocked it rocked :D:D:D
i'm still insanely happy despite it being 2 am in the morning and like 4 hours after the end of the play. What an incredible high :)

It's tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow :)

Sometimes it hits me like a brick wall that I'm not doing what I am most happy doing. It's when I talk to people who are that I really feel like digging a hole, jumping in, and pulling all the soil back in after me. I want to dance! and the thing is I'm not even very good at it so I can't do it properly full time but gods i really want to dance :( How stupid is this! ughhh.

It's just such a strange yet happy experience :) I pray that I won't freeze, curl up and die though. Which I have a mortal fear of. ugh. Anyway. If anyone's looking for an excuse to come to London, choose March 17th, 18th! heeee. Ask me for more details though. because i don't want to be found out by random Googlers. heh.

It's so amusing.
I keep hearing exclamations like "What???" and "Oh my god! How can..." and "Ewwwww" coming from the room next to mine :p It's her on her Alias marathon haha.

Go! Fight! Win! My ass.

there's just always this lurking feeling that i would prefer just sitting on a bench somewhere, even in the blustery cold, staring into nothing and just breathing. I'm starting to feel like i'm a strange person who just doesn't quite fit in. just a bit too rough around the edges, and a bit too odd.

haha cool stuff. we're in cambridge and they're all knocked out and it's only 4.30 in the morning! where's the stamina guys :p though i suppose the gross drinks really knocked them out. hmmm.

oh no. i fear for myself. what if i come out of this stupid and ignorant about the ways of the world?

even lifetime warranties do not cover wilful destruction.

it's nice to be nonchalant about stuff. you don't really care about things, and then nothing anyone does would really hurt you. right? but if you don't care about things, then nothing anyone does can really make you insanely crazily happy either. and then how?

sighh. i'm such a bitch. why should i ever complain about anything when most of the stuff is of my doing anyway? what you get yourself into, you're officially not allowed to bitch about. You're not allowed to blame it on the hormones. Then again, feelings are only mixtures of chemicals acting on your brain. so maybe i just have screwed up hormones. damn i need a pool.

we're too good for this!
but well. that's only what we think. and not what other people think. but then again, according to Rousseau, the whole point about society being screwed up is that we live only for what other people think :) therefore, HECK.

5 letter word. one of the earliest things you learn at school or not even. like hell anyone is really feeling it now. or maybe it's just me. but i know i can't be the only one. it's too lonely. ha.
which reminds of the other line: i want you... barefoot on the burning sand.

i don't know what i'm doing. see. it's very easy to confess that. much easier than actually attributing my behaviour to a specific reason. because i don't know.

and the eyes glaze over. the muscles strangely weak. and the chest constricts. again and again. (yeah lah. breathing also like that.)

How does it get that we get so preoccupied with what being Happy and Content means? And how is it that the more I turn these words over in my head the less Happy and Content we seem to be? It's strange how I need to know that i live with a purpose and that i'm going in the right direction to feel at least slight mollified that i'm not wasting -all- my time doing nothing.

The other day i was talking to xun and her summary of my dilemma was 'You just don't feel popular anymore isn't it'. haha. Perhaps. Not that i ever was popular in the first place. Ok. so it sounds very superficial. but i guess we just want to feel loved :) and sometimes it's difficult because people don't really seem to want to listen anyway and they probably wouldn't notice if i fell into an abyss and was un-recoverable. ?? ?????? ??????

why is jealousy green? perhaps people who have a predilection for green are more jealous than others, and are more likely to have to do war upon that monster, envy.