Window A

maybe it's just me. i've realised that the joys of blogging pale in comparison to rambling on and on just to someone you know. long emails in which i don't have to watch what i say to people i love :) except of course maybe if it gets tedious talking about the same things again and again if i have to repeat it to different people.

it's a little scary how sometimes i feel as if nothing matters anymore. a hypocritical teacher is just a footnote albeit an irritating one. it's like we're trapped in a fishbowl and everything appears much bigger than it really is through the curved glass of the bowl. ultimately. what are we doing this for. all this slogging. all this thing about school. everything. nothing. i only want to do well because it's such a failure to be anything but be among the best (better, whatever). and because i want that elusive scholarship. because i want to leave this place. but.. then i have to come back. and somehow all these worries are just so.. myopic and superficial i'm ashamed of myself. it's always about me, myself and i. sure, i have to look like i care for other people because that's just the way i'm expected to be. but then ultimately my most pressing concerns are what's going to happen to me in the future. is it so sad that our education system breeds such people like me? because i readily admit i am a product of it. results oriented and competitive. and when i don't do well i have to manufacture excuses for myself. and i cannot stand it that cca points are such an obsession with students because it just defeats the bloody purpose of having it in the first place. point-grubbers.

ah well. sometimes i feel that the world is just gorgeous and beautiful. if only i wasn't restrained by so many things that i can't appreciate its beauty anymore.

so there. i've updated my blog