there's something special about talking deep into the night about just anything and everything. the proverbial wall is rising brick by brick and the bridge we've built has crumbled. i miss the way it was. i want to stuff time back its silly ass and go back to how it used to be. funny how we're always talking about the future when all i want is to pull my security blanket back over my head and hide.

sometimes it feels as though a good cry would be able to settle everything. but all that does is make my face red and blotchy and sticky as well as purge my body of some salt and urea. it sometimes feels as if all that has happened is too surreal. that perhaps if i claw my way through this false imagery i'd find out that, hey. things -did- turn out the way it was supposed to after all.

it's at this point that i realise that (haha :) chinese is a much prettier language than english to express sorrow and anguish without it sounding overly cheesy and lameass. but. my blog somehow cannot read the chinese encoding so too bad.

bleargh. tiring to fiddle with blogs. but in anycase. my class one is finally resuscitated! headachey now. so shall probably go to sleep.

chinese was terrible. i can't believe it... i was dying! hate chinese with a vengeance now. had v un-understandable comprehension... would anyone care to tell me what the movie xing yuan was about?

finally. i repaired my background which was strangely missing...

happy.
finally got down to swim without it raining on me. nearly drowned tho since my brother was popping out from everywhere so i couldn't swim in a straight line, and doing stuff like grabbing my leg and distracting me :) he looks like such a little kid when his hair is plastered to his head instead of the typical ac-do.

sad.
bleargh. turns out the touch tourney was a one-day affair. turns out that all our prior confidence came to naught. turns out that char was so pissed i think it's the first time i've ever seen her scream fuck (ok. thru sms. but still.) damn. i should have been there! not that i could have done anything but at least i wouldn't feel like i-should-have-voodooed-them. sheesh.

resigned.
chinese tmr. nthg studied. nthg done. mom asked me so. how many minutes of chinese did you study today? (answer: about half an hour?) sigh. plus. i'm convinced that everyone's in collusion...

me to my mom: i want to get a bikini in melbourne :) my friend says it's way cheaper there!
mom: you'll have to go to the kids' section...

plus. i get stuff like this practically everyday in school! aaaargh. sad :( ok. maybe not sad -sad-. just. you know what i mean.

2 days. and nthg done. bah. it totally doesn't feel like i'm taking ao's on friday... if i don't do well i suppose i'll think back disgustedly at today and curse and swear at myself for not having done sthg sooner. bleargh.

i don't ever want to be someone else other than myself. cos then i'd look at myself and see how horrible i've been/am. i think if i were you i wouldn't like me.

hehe. my classmate tells me i sound v angsty on my blog. to him: i so do not! i'm perfectly happy. sometimes. and the rest of the time. i suppose. ah well. angsty still has a rather negative connotation! sigh. last day of school tomorrow! i should be happier but... i feel nothing in particular.. it's just been a really jinxed year <-- refer to list of misfortunes :) and hehe. i hope venus is in a happier house next year!

haha.. today's studying jaunt with crys was -such- a failure! it was soup wednesday :) and so we had a really dubious sounding broccoli puree with navy beans. ew. anyway. looked like green gook, tasted like soup :) which was good. after which i blew all my money on sticky bun, and tossed tomato salad :P ok. not me who blew the money.. more like crys.. since in the end i didn't really pay for anything :/ and i kept wanting to talk instead of mug :( ah well.

i hate the sky :( i just came back from swimming all of 5 minutes in the pool cos it was raining and thundering :/ and then once i got up, it promptly stopped. and then cos i was thwarted in my attempts to get healthy, i ate up all the food left on the dining table. damn. sigh. :(:(:(

tumteetum. somehow i feel very happy when i'm at home :) might be the sight of all the wood ard the house or maybe it's just that i love being at home :) though of course. occasionally/frequently i get bored. and then i refuse to stay in the house anymore :) haha. i was so colour co-ordinated today i think i might have gone ott :D the jane's-nike-orange bag plus new orange waterbottle :) didn't have orange shoes/earrings/hairband/hair/whatever tho :) but. there *was* my orange umbrella which i was forced to whip out in the rain :) so there. i was a walking orange.

i ought to study chinese considering it's supposed to be chinese lesson now and i'm at home... but. i think i'll put it off till tmr when i go mug with crys :) i just realised... chinese in 3 days, pw in 7, french in 8 and 9 days. hmmmm. and i thought promos was -it-. seems i have to buckle down again :/ eww.

know what? the more i think about that red jacket. the more i'm in love... despite the fleece. despite the price. despite promising myself i'm nv going to splurge. aaaargh. torturous... hehe. do you remember those shows where they gave you 10-15 minutes and you grab whatever you want and then they give it to you for free? i want one of those in nike! i'll make a beeline for the jacket and erm. conveniently take whatever else is in sight too :)

i have so so so much inertia i must have dark matter in me. when i finish class i refuse to go home and instead linger ard in hopes of finding someone to talk to... and then when i sit down i can't get myself to move anymore than necessary... it's like i'll get a comfy spot somewhere to start reading a book. and 10 hours later, i'll still be in the same spot. providing i haven't finished the book that is...

sigh... embarrassing. i think too much about what people think about me and it makes me miserable. if only i could read minds then i'll save all the trouble of secondguessing everyone else. :) then again. if only i could teleport. fly. ride a dragon. breathe fire. use the Will and the Word. hehe. cook :)

it's amazing how guys act differently in front of guys and in front of girls

when s1 is inexplicably irritating do i ignore the person? even if the person is totally clueless?

i'm positive i'm schizo. i (for some unknown reason) am feeling utterly miserable now but i'm sure if you're chatting to me now you can't tell. it's so easy to :) and :D to assure everyone that things are ok and fine. it's so much easier to deal :) see what i mean? bah.

i wanna camp at wheelock place! attraction no 1:: exile's choice by lackey which is the one abt alberich :D
attraction no 2: ipod
attraction no 3:: padded pretty laptop bag by the brand with the dude on the logo. right. i don't know its name but i know it's freaking ex la.
attraction no 4: (and most most enticing): gorgeous gorgeous bright red nike jacket :) ooooooh. i love red, and i adore the cut :) plus. it went really well with the miniskirt i was wearing today... cept. it's 120 bucks and it's thermal wear :( bleargh. it's absolutely brilliant... :/ plus. i also love the spag top thingy in the same colour :) just walk into a nike shop. i'm in love.

i abhor idiocy. i hate stupidity. if there's anything to drive me up the wall it's people making ridiculous requests. i refuse to see things from your point of view anymore. it's making me sick and tired and it's bloody exhausting. so you freaking make up your mind and -tell- me. then i'll see how. hello? otherwise.

i feel just a tad stupid now. went out on a jaunt to take photos of the cats. brought the cam out. and got locked out of the house. sigh. my sister was deaf to all my efforts to let her know that -hey. i'm outside the house without a key. can you please open the door?- sighhh. hehe. was v embarrassed in case s1 walked past and saw me outside banging on the door, jumping up on the window grille to see if i could steal a phone out of my grandma's room and stuff. so i sat outside my door taking photos of shoes, filching a banana from the kitchen window then finally realising that hey. i could press the doorbell (the one that's downstairs since the one outside my door is mute) ah well. at least it's sunday morning. ergo v few people around to witness my stupidity :/

mg funfair is incredibly fun :) despite the hordes and hordes of people :) despite the fact that i actually spent most of my time with my mom being introduced to her colleagues. haha... there were inflatable castles in the field! which were absolutely gorgeous. and a mini viking which jac called a boat :) and just crazy exclassmates-of-jac... hehe. so damn fun. but so tiring to wend your way through huge crowds and being surrounded by so much stuff and yet having nthg i really want to spend my 50 bucks on. but still. it'd be incredibly cool to have inflatable castles in the hc field!! and then we won't have to fight with little kids to slide down on them :) somehow. the castles seem to cast a magic spell on the whole day :) and make it seem as if i've really been to a funfair. but boy was the place filthy... but. funfairish nonetheless :)

when sylvester/wile e. coyote/antagonist of cartoons run off a cliff, they always manage to get a few feet past the edge (just enough so that they can't run back when they realise) before they inevitably look down and go uhoh and subsequently plunge into the ground where they lie all mangled :) i always wondered. if they never looked down, never realised that they were walking on air, wouldn't they then continue indefinitely, defying all laws of gravitation? and then we'd have 'levitating' coyotes and cats and wait. tweety and roadrunner would not exist :/

10 months to get to know someone is really long isn't it? and it isn't until now that i realise that i've been blind and deaf to everything that has happened around me, too caught up in myself. too caught up in all of -me-. and somehow i feel like i've been naughty all over again. because i didn't heed the lessons to observe and learn, to look and to understand. i feel like i've wasted all my years studying literature. what's the point of being able to analyse to death each action and each significant event if i can't do it in real life?

sigh. just realised that a v long v informative letter i sent to lam was empty :/ and it was long enough ago that i do not remember what i sent! bah.

was looking through my kiddy photos... realised that i really was quite a pretty kid! i had gorgeous hair and skin. which is -so- nonexistent right now i'm sad :/ damn. :) haha. when i'm bored enough i'll scan them in :D

it's terrible to know that i can be such a tactless bitch. and knowing that i -care- that i'm actually hurting people however unintentional :/ i can't deal with stuff. sigh. i have lousy emotional management skills. wait. that sounds really familiar. have i said that before? ah well. my classmates told me that my blog is so me. at least. that's what i think they said :) that's happy!! :D

after incredble highs i always drop into bottomless ravines. i need endorphins.

210 minutes!!!! that's 3 hours and 30 minutes!!! that's a total of what... 9 -10 hours of a trilogy?! i love you!!

happy day :) econs overall got an A!!! gosh. i love my econs god. :) and i got an A for gp too!! :) a 2 tho... but still :) hopefully after adding in BT and everything i'm an A1 :) then i'll have 3 of those... haha.. so things aren't so bad after all! the clouds have cleared away after the rain. for me only tho :/ some things are still damn shittified.

ooh. i'm brutal and fucking mean. i love myself.

haha :) it's amazing how 24 hours can wrought such radical changes. i'm not the same person i was 24 hours ago (or hell. even just 3 hours ago) and i never will be again. i never thought about people in quite this way but now that perception has inevitably been coloured -thus-. i get stuck in a rut. and i can't get myself out of thinking around in circles. it's like how we're supposed to do sthg *creative* and then the teacher shows us a sample and suddenly all our creative works turn out strikingly similar to the sample.

i admire people who love with their hearts. the people whose lives are governed by the little chemicals that our brains trigger when we're high in love or when we crash. for people who don't ruminate about what they feel. to regurgitate and chew it all over again like some sick little kid who just can't get enough of his food. yes. i love conversations where people know exactly what i feel. who know how my brain is wired. who think the same way i do. who give advice which i know i can follow. except that things happen all the time. and even before one problem is properly resolved another pops up to take its place in even greater glory in all its complexity.

Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it. like Melon boy. he was so sad he had a melon for his head he wished he were dead. and then -squish-. that's tim burton for you.

i never know when to let things well alone. and i guess i never will. i enjoy working my brain overly much i think.

i'm sorry i forgot!! :/ okok.. so michelle was pegasus :) the llittle imp that she was :P

it's early in the morning. there are times i look in the mirror early in the morning and i wonder what bomb fell on me in the middle of the night. and a veritable bomb did. last night :)

haha.. i think the greek deities we were known for in primary school were incredibly telling. claire was sweet and pretty persephone. i was horrible and stupid ares :( lam was sneaky and devious hermes. wei was haha.. stupid and flirtations zeus. fuzzy was quiet and demure hestia, michelle was? i don't remember... pan? :p ah well. it was ever so fun.

horoscopes are such phony things :P if i were a true taurean i'd be steady reliable practical placid good-natured and slow to anger.

i love hugging people. especially when i'm in a foul mood. just to bury myself and hide myself from everything. i'm an ostrich and i want to bury my head in the sands.

i've nv tried ignoring someone so blatantly before. it's really mean isn't it? even if the person in question is undisputedly irritating and whatever :/ sighs. but i am in no mood to be nice and friendly and coddle him. oh dear. but if he's *really* trying to be nice it's really terrible ain't it? whatever.

i am a bad friend :(

:(:(:( whoa. i hate tv. ok maybe i don't. but i hate how there's nothing to watch cept stupid people prancing around pretending to be cute and endearing. die. i'm getting so antisocial! hrmph. i'm horrible and i couldn't care less! bah. humbug.

it's majorly embarrassing crying in public. but it's not my fault if i can't control it right? to be a complete wuss just tops off everything. how satisfying. it's worse when i fall so short of my expectations. i'm utterly totally disgusted. and when i'm in that mood everything just exarcerbates my tendency to ignore everyone and everything and just -go to sleep-

i could go into a tirade now about various disgusting things but i think i'll just go email lam and spare you all the sordid details. and plus. the person singing on tv now is hilarious. :P she's singing while dancing ballet with her back facing the audience and wearing a mask on the back of her head. and the next person singing is outoftune and singing while twirling a hoolahoop :D gosh. talk abt utterly sidesplitting!!